I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
