final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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