At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
