I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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