Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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