Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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