Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
