You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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