I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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