You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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