I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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