my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
