there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
