There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
