Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
