I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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