i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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