I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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