just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Two words: blizzard sex
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
