2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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