Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
