summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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