omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
