My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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