you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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