Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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