On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
