I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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