im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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