My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
