I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
