They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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