there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
