I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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