the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
