How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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