get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
