I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
