Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
