I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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