Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
