it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
