i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
