She went from zero to smokin in five shots
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
