Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
