so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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