I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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