I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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