splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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