I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We had to coat check the pizza.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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